Monday, July 18, 2011

Monday Morning Round-Up

First things first, my humblest and most sincere apologies for the lack of posts last week. I’ve recently started a new job that is taking up an inordinate amount of my time during the day. But great news! Our server is down, and so I can’t do any of the work that I came in early to get a head-start on! Huzzah!! Let’s waste some time by perusing the weekend’s headlines, shall we?

Japan Wins Women’s World Cup – In a stirring victory, Japan’s Women’s Soccer Team defeated the United States on Sunday to…wait, wait, wait, the USA’s goalie is named HOPE SOLO?!? Tell me she carries a laser-gun and drives a really fast car and hangs with a hairy behemoth who lacks the facility of speech. This is freaking awesome. Who cares if we lost? We’ve got the great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother of future history’s greatest rogue on our side! Seriously though, congrats to Japan. I think it says a lot that most of America is actually not that upset about this, given how uber-competitive we get when it comes to international sporting events. Congratulations, ladies! Today, we are all Japanese. Except, of course, those of us who don’t live in Japan and who lack a comprehensive understanding of Japanese language and culture.

Casey Anthony Released From Prison – We’ve already been over this here at the Bright Side, but to sum up our thoughts on the matter, Casey Anthony is weird-looking as hell, and those of you who think she’s getting off because she’s attractive and white are sorely mistaken. She’s white, sure, but this woman has what is the very definition of “a face made for radio.” Also, the prosecution was either incompetent or overzealous or some combination of the two, so as a result, Casey Anthony emerged this weekend a free woman. Which, frankly, we here at the Bright Side think is great news. Now she can finally move on with trying to lead a productive life. It won’t be easy, given that she’s being sued many times over, is probably receiving death threats, and is now estranged from pretty much everyone she knows, but hey, if the effort she put into her tangled web of lies is any indication of this woman’s gumption, she’ll be just fine. What’s that you say? Her web of lies was actually pretty half-assed and ill-constructed? Oh. Uh….Moving right along…….

‘Carmageddon’ Turns Out To Be No Big Deal – The two-day shutdown of a major stretch of highway in Los Angeles that had the entire city quaking in fear at what was expected to be the mother of all traffic jams turned out to be much ado about nothing, as the roads were clear, and nobody’s cars were raptured into the heavens. Wait, you mean this was all just media hype?!? No freaking way!! In any case, I’m hoping that enough people bought into the media’s terrifying overhyping of this that they stayed as far away from their cars as possible. And if that’s the case then maybe – just maybe – a few more people realized that (*gasp!*) spending the weekend at home, relaxing with your friends, family, and loved ones, is actually pretty awesome.

Cops Shoot Each Other While Trying To Arrest Child Porn Suspect at Harry Potter Screening – Ladies and gentlemen, the headline of the week. Let’s see, bright side, bright side….uh….At least they got the guy? Seriously though, the new Harry Potter movie made a gajillion dollars this weekend. Now we have proof that at least some of that money came from perverts. This, in turn, sheds light on the fact that it’s freaking creepy that this series of kid’s books has a devout adult following. Yes, I’m talking about you. If you’ve read at least three of the Harry Potter books and have also waited on line to see one of the movies for at least an hour, you should be registered as a sex offender and forced to introduce yourself as such to your neighbors. As a wise man once said: “eight year olds, dude.”

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