Unless you’re either ignorant or some kind of a recluse, you’re probably aware of the fact that the East Coast has been having a pretty rough summer, having already suffered an earthquake and a hurricane that completely shut down New York City. Also, if you’ve been reading this blog regularly, (and according to my Blogger stats you haven’t) you’ve probably recognized that our modus operandi can pretty accurately be summed up by the phrase “y’know, there’s a lesson to be learned here.” So, what do you get when you combine those two things? You get the blogosphere’s most reliable cop-out: A list made up mostly of unsupportable rumor and innuendo! So without further ado, I present the Daily Bright Side’s list of Things We Learned from the Weather Apocalypse of 2011.
1. NEW YORKERS ARE IRRITABLE – The earthquake that hit New York this month was the first of its magnitude in, let’s say, a hundred thousand years (Editor’s Note: Totally and completely factually inaccurate). And once the hullaballoo had died down, what did most New Yorkers do? They took to the internet to start haranguing said earthquake for not being powerful enough, naturally! “You call dat a fuggin earthquake? Ey-o, my cousin Anthony’s farts cause more devastation!” said Twitter user “PaulieKneecapz” from Arthur Avenue in the Bronx (Editor’s Note: Quote and Twitter user, like the aforementioned statistic, have been completely fabricated). Similar reactions were elicited from Hurricane Irene, which turned out to be little more than a really bad rainstorm. “This is bullshit,” said literally everyone in Williamsburg, “I totes could have ridden my fixie to the community garden in this!” City Hall was certainly not spared the public’s ire, falling under criticism for overreacting to the storm (y’know, because underreacting worked so well when a blizzard crippled the city back in January). The point is, New Yorkers will complain about literally everything. I’m allowed to say this, of course, because I was born and raised in Lower Manhattan. Whaddya mean this blog post is totally asinine? HEY FUCK YOU TOO, JERKSTORE! See?
2. CALIFORNIANS ARE INSECURE – As a native New Yorker who’s been living in Southern California for five and a half years now, I can comfortably state that New York is still, in fact, the greatest city in the world. Much as I love Los Angeles, it just doesn’t hold a candle to New York’s prestige. Those few things that Southern California can lay claim to that New York cannot – namely earthquakes and year-round good weather – we protect like a hawk protects it’s young. So every time someone in New York posts something on Facebook about what a gorgeous day it is, you can bet your sweet bippy there’s a Californian right behind them ready to point out that it’s nice here all year round. Of course, the same happened when the earthquake hit New York. It was only mere minutes before the first posts started rolling in from SoCal’s snarkiest: “Pshhht…We wouldn’t even categorize that as an earthquake here. NICE TRY NEW YORK” said Twitter user LakerBandwagon (Editor’s Note: Sigh…). Trust me on this: There is nothing that makes Californians more nervous than the prospect of New York being better than them at something.
3. RICH PEOPLE ARE IMBECILES – My Dad gets credit for this one, both for taking the above picture and for pointing out how ridiculous it was in the first place. Yes, that’s a Jaguar with its back window smashed in by a fallen tree. A Jaguar. Parked on the street. During a hurricane. Need we say more?
Let’s sum up what we’ve learned from this little imbroglio, shall we? To all my New Yorkers out there, you don’t need to complain about everything just because you live in the complaint capital of the universe. Sometimes it’s okay to just say “y’know what? We’re all still alive, and that’s what matters.” To you Californians, it’s time to get over the inferiority complex. It’s really unflattering and it makes you look petty. And to both sides, we’re not morally obligated to feud with each other. Does nobody remember what came of the East-West War of the 90’s? Biggie and Tupac are both dead. We don’t need that to happen again. And if we are going to go to war with each other, can we at least nominate as our coastal representatives musicians that nobody likes, like Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga? I’m pretty sure nobody would care if those two had gotten shot up instead of two of the greatest rappers in history. And lastly, to the filthy rich…Well, if you’re too busy bathing yourselves in liquefied diamonds to move your freaking car off the street in the middle of a hurricane, you’re beyond saving.